Motorsquid Baseball Cards

Some baseball cards I wrote for my Improv team Motorsquid.

Amanda “Manders” Bell  
Starting Improviser
Born: March 12, Williamstown, MA
Edits: Right
Acq: Via Draft from the PIT
Quote: “Hugs and Tentacles”

Enter Sand Amanda.  After serving a 10-show suspension for being caught doctoring scenes with Vassarline, “Cool Mama” Bell returned to form with back-to-back No Squidders and a Perfect Shame. Known around the theater as a “Beaner”, she intimidates headlining teams by pelting them with her home state’s Boston Baked Beans.

Jun “Junbug” Naito  
1B – First Beat
Born: Nov. 25, Tokyo, Japan
Edits: Left
Acq. Via Signing from the Nippon Professional Improv League
Quote: “Bananas Don’t Float”

Junbug has led the Squids in sandwiches eaten on stage for the second consecutive year. His record breaking 56-set sandwich streak came to a halt when he tore a hamstring (of the Berkshire variety) and ate it off the bone, thus not an officially recorded sandwich. But “Joltin’ Jun” has pressed on, starting a Panini Streak that stands at one, because he’s savoring it.

Tootsie “Tootsie” Bellittera  
2B – Second Beat
Born: July 29, Rochester, NY
Edits: Right
Acq: Via Carbattrition
Quote: “It’s like a McDLT up in here!”

The league leader in Puns Batted In, Tootsie is also the team’s Designated Kidder. Her Walk Off Groan Pun on the Main Stage silenced the crowd, and it was a home game! She was also awarded the Rolaids Relief Player of the Year, but only because of Gastritis.

Erin “Bundles” Klabunde  
3B – Third Beat (for the Trinity, of course)
Born: August 8, Bethlehem, PA
Edits: Switch Editor
Acq: Via Trade for a Squid to be Named Later

The clutch moves of “Klutchbunde” helped the Squids win the Pennance. Her patented “Bundlebunt” (looking adorable in every scene) assures that Motorsquid will always be forgiven by the audience. After retirement, this tag-out specialist hopes to do Improv play-by-play under the name Bob Eucharist.

And finally… our Cleanup Squidder!

Colleen “I Don’t Have a Nickname” Goodhue  
SS – Scene Stealer
Born: The day JFK was killed. (She turns 60 this year!)
Parts Unknown, MA
Edits: Right
Acq: Via Free Agency for 325 Million Seaweed Snacks
Quote: “No one answers my emails!”

This year’s Triple Crown winner (the bar, that is), CGood was recently busted for HGH (humor growth hormone) Stare-roids (extreme staring contests with the audience while alone on stage) and PEDs (those little socky things you put on at the shoe store). Other teams have given her .650 Laughing Average an asterisk, but she is fine with it since it looks like a little Squid.



Top Ten Lowest Rated ESPN Programs

Based on an actual Top Ten List from the Late Show with David Letterman.

10. Outside the Groins
9. Pardon the Infection
8. Around the Bjorn (with your host Bjorn Borg)
7. Baseball’s Greatest Rain Delays
6. Chris Berman’s Nightly Weigh-In (sorry that’s on ESPN 2)
5. GameDay Urine Testing
4. Tape Delayed Olympics (sorry that’s on NBC)
3. World Series of Roker
2.  Flatulympics
1. ScabCenter