****WANTED: ROCKSTAR SHAPESHIFTER PERSONAL ASSISTANT****

A high profile figure in the luxury goods industry is looking for a ROCKSTER UBER NINJA personal assistant to work from my home business. Primary duties include: waking me up in the morning if my alarm fails, make coffee/breakfast and prep office for the day. Run light errands as needed such as mailing packages (must be able to lift 50 lbs.) buying all my groceries (must be able to carry 50 lbs) laundry (must be able to wash & fold 50 lbs).

Small amount of cleaning needed (dishes, bathtub, etc.) but must be ready to give a PowerPoint presentation to clients at a moment’s notice. Manage all business correspondence (phone calls, emails, newsletters, blog posts, write all my Tweets) and personal correspondence (screen calls from my ex-wife, write comments and “like” things on Facebook so I look active and interested).

Liase between myself and clients, and be able to travel at a moment’s notice.

Hours are 6am – 11pm, Monday and Saturday, 6am-6pm Wednesday and Sunday, and 3pm-11pm on Friday. Also 24/7 accessibility.

Skills

PowerPoint
Plumbing
QuickBooks
Java (know how to make it)
NY Food Handler’s License
NY State Driver’s License
Must be able to drive stick.
Must be professional, clean and attractive, enjoy smiling but able to take criticism.
Must have own smartphone for business use.

Compensation: $8.50/hr DOE.

Possibility for $10/hr after 6 months.

Copy and paste your resume. Do NOT send an attachment or I wont open it. (but you MUST know how to send attachments). Also include SIZZLE REEL and HEADSHOT.

 

Motorsquid Baseball Cards

Some baseball cards I wrote for my Improv team Motorsquid.

Amanda “Manders” Bell  
Starting Improviser
Born: March 12, Williamstown, MA
Edits: Right
Acq: Via Draft from the PIT
Quote: “Hugs and Tentacles”

Enter Sand Amanda.  After serving a 10-show suspension for being caught doctoring scenes with Vassarline, “Cool Mama” Bell returned to form with back-to-back No Squidders and a Perfect Shame. Known around the theater as a “Beaner”, she intimidates headlining teams by pelting them with her home state’s Boston Baked Beans.

Jun “Junbug” Naito  
1B – First Beat
Born: Nov. 25, Tokyo, Japan
Edits: Left
Acq. Via Signing from the Nippon Professional Improv League
Quote: “Bananas Don’t Float”

Junbug has led the Squids in sandwiches eaten on stage for the second consecutive year. His record breaking 56-set sandwich streak came to a halt when he tore a hamstring (of the Berkshire variety) and ate it off the bone, thus not an officially recorded sandwich. But “Joltin’ Jun” has pressed on, starting a Panini Streak that stands at one, because he’s savoring it.

Tootsie “Tootsie” Bellittera  
2B – Second Beat
Born: July 29, Rochester, NY
Edits: Right
Acq: Via Carbattrition
Quote: “It’s like a McDLT up in here!”

The league leader in Puns Batted In, Tootsie is also the team’s Designated Kidder. Her Walk Off Groan Pun on the Main Stage silenced the crowd, and it was a home game! She was also awarded the Rolaids Relief Player of the Year, but only because of Gastritis.

Erin “Bundles” Klabunde  
3B – Third Beat (for the Trinity, of course)
Born: August 8, Bethlehem, PA
Edits: Switch Editor
Acq: Via Trade for a Squid to be Named Later
Quote: “HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

The clutch moves of “Klutchbunde” helped the Squids win the Pennance. Her patented “Bundlebunt” (looking adorable in every scene) assures that Motorsquid will always be forgiven by the audience. After retirement, this tag-out specialist hopes to do Improv play-by-play under the name Bob Eucharist.

And finally… our Cleanup Squidder!

Colleen “I Don’t Have a Nickname” Goodhue  
SS – Scene Stealer
Born: The day JFK was killed. (She turns 60 this year!)
Parts Unknown, MA
Edits: Right
Acq: Via Free Agency for 325 Million Seaweed Snacks
Quote: “No one answers my emails!”

This year’s Triple Crown winner (the bar, that is), CGood was recently busted for HGH (humor growth hormone) Stare-roids (extreme staring contests with the audience while alone on stage) and PEDs (those little socky things you put on at the shoe store). Other teams have given her .650 Laughing Average an asterisk, but she is fine with it since it looks like a little Squid.

squidtootsie

 

Outrage

Things I’m supposed to be outraged about, as per Facebook:

Common core
Republicans
Democrats
Gay marriage bans
Net neutrality
Monsanto

Things I’m actually outraged about:

Disney vacation photos
Inspirational quotes
Recipe sharing
Improv invites
Runners
#hashtagoveruse

My Breakup, My Documents

Asshole cocksucker motherfucker.doc
Back stabbing son of a bitch.doc
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FU.doc
GOFUCKYOURSELF.doc
Lying asshole fuckface.doc
WHY THE FUCK.doc
YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING LIAR.doc
You fucking lied to me you piece of no good dog shit.doc
FUUUUUUUUUUCKK YOUUUUUUUUU.ppt (I made a PowerPoint)
I love you.doc
I miss you.doc

Top Ten Lowest Rated ESPN Programs

Based on an actual Top Ten List from the Late Show with David Letterman.

10. Outside the Groins
9. Pardon the Infection
8. Around the Bjorn (with your host Bjorn Borg)
7. Baseball’s Greatest Rain Delays
6. Chris Berman’s Nightly Weigh-In (sorry that’s on ESPN 2)
5. GameDay Urine Testing
4. Tape Delayed Olympics (sorry that’s on NBC)
3. World Series of Roker
2.  Flatulympics
1. ScabCenter

espn