Motorsquid Baseball Cards

Some baseball cards I wrote for my Improv team Motorsquid.

Jun “Junbug” Naito
1B – First Beat
Born: Nov. 25, Tokyo, Japan
Edits: Left
Acq. Via Signing from the Nippon Professional Improv League
Quote: “Bananas Don’t Float”

Junbug has led the Squids in sandwiches eaten on stage for the second consecutive year. His record breaking 56-set sandwich streak came to a halt when he tore a hamstring (of the Berkshire variety) and ate it off the bone, thus not an officially recorded sandwich. But “Joltin’ Jun” has pressed on, starting a Panini Streak that stands at one, because he’s savoring it.

Erin “Bundles” Klabunde  
3B – Third Beat (for the Trinity, of course)
Born: August 8, Bethlehem, PA
Edits: Switch Editor
Acq: Via Trade for a Squid to be Named Later

The clutch moves of “Klutchbunde” helped the Squids win the Pennance. Her patented “Bundlebunt” (looking adorable in every scene) assures that Motorsquid will always be forgiven by the audience. After retirement, this tag-out specialist hopes to do Improv play-by-play under the name Bob Eucharist.

Colleen “I Don’t Have a Nickname” Goodhue  
SS – Scene Stealer
Born: The day JFK was killed. (She turns 60 this year!)
Parts Unknown, MA
Edits: Right
Acq: Via Free Agency for 325 Million Seaweed Snacks
Quote: “No one answers my emails!”

Our cleanup Squidder! This year’s Triple Crown winner (the bar, that is), CGood was recently busted for HGH (humor growth hormone) Stare-roids (extreme staring contests with the audience while alone on stage) and PEDs (those little socky things you put on at the shoe store). Other teams have given her .650 Laughing Average an asterisk, but she is fine with it since it looks like a little Squid.

Amanda “Manders” Bell  

Starting Improviser
Born: March 12, Williamstown, MA
Edits: Right
Acq: Via Draft from the PIT
Quote: “Hugs and Tentacles”

Enter Sand Amanda.  After serving a 10-show suspension for being caught doctoring scenes with Vassarline, “Cool Mama” Bell returned to form with back-to-back No Squidders and a Perfect Shame. Known around the theater as a “Beaner”, she intimidates headlining teams by pelting them with her home state’s Boston Baked Beans.

Tootsie “Tootsie” Bellittera  
2B – Second Beat
Born: July 29, Rochester, NY
Edits: Right
Acq: Via Carbattrition
Quote: “It’s like a McDLT up in here!”

The league leader in Puns Batted In, Tootsie is also the team’s Designated Kidder. Her Walk Off Groan Pun on the Main Stage silenced the crowd, and it was a home game! She was also awarded the Rolaids Relief Player of the Year, but only because of Gastritis.


Obituaries – Walkman, Oscar Mayer, Analog TV

RIP Sony Walkman. We had some good times together. Like raking leaves while listening to the “We Are the World” simulcast, pretending I was sleeping but secretly listening to the Dr. Ruth call in show on Sunday nights, and sneaking you into detention to rock out to Guns ‘n Roses. I miss those big giant buttons, the sound of the cassette clicking into place, and those fuzzy earphones that gave me hat head but lasted ten times longer than the crappy iPod buds. Sometimes I still catch myself calling my iPhone a Walkman. You were too big to fit into my pocket, but now there’s a Walkman-sized hole in my heart. The tape has ended. I’ll catch you on the flip side.

RIP Oscar Mayer. You had a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A. (And I’ll be going on a strict hot dog and bologna diet in hopes of pushing my life expectancy to 95.)

RIP Captain Lou Albano. I shall rubber band my beard today in honor of you.

RIP to the inventor of Cheez Doodles, Morrie Yohai. Though your shelf life may have finally expired, may your memory live forever, just like the orange stains on my fingers.

RIP Analog TV – you were a good pal. Believe me, I wouldn’t get off the couch and walk across the family room just for ANYBODY. Sure, I was abusive at times, like when I threw things at you during some questionable officiating, but really that was just retribution for you shocking me with thousands of volts of electricity for merely touching you the wrong way. I’ll never forget your faux wood paneling or the way I had to contort myself using aluminum foil and a coat hanger just to pull in a decent signal during Little House. And let’s not forget those times when pressing my face against your screen transported me on a magical pixelated acid trip. I never quite understood the difference between UHF and VHF, but I knew if I pulled the knobs off, blew on them, put them back on, and then slammed the side of the TV set a few times, you’d do just fine. I miss having that kind of hands on maintenance – the power of the Fonz – over my TV set. Not like these newfangled digital TVs today that go out the second it rains and leave you completely screwed. And now the TV sets are so thin you can actually hang them on the wall. So what are we going to do with all this leftover floor space? And where, I ask you, will we put the family portrait, precious moments figurines or grandma’s ashes? Our family rooms, and our lives, will never be the same. And so in your honor, let’s have a one-minute moment of static.