Monologue Jokes – RNC, DNC, Taco Bell

Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford announced that he is engaged to marry his Argentinian girlfriend. Then New Jersey Governor Chris Christie announced he’s engaged to marry an Argentinian Steakhouse.

Taco Bell has announced a new morning drink, a mixture of Mountain Dew and orange juice that contains 17 teaspoons of sugar. Which explains their new slogan, “Taco Bell: Live Mas, Die Young.”

Bill Nye the Science Guy released a video on YouTube this week asking parents to not teach their children to deny evolution. The video received 60,000 opposable thumbs up.

During her speech at the Republican National Convention, Ann Romney repeatedly referred to her husband as “That boy I met at a school dance.” Then in his acceptance speech, Mitt referred to Ann as “That girl I strapped to the roof of my van.”

Organizers of the Republican National Convention canceled scheduled events on Monday in Tampa over concerns about Hurricane Isaac. They were then forced to squeeze four days of lies into three.

According to a new report from Yellowstone National Park, bears are not attracted to the odors of women menstruating. So, welcome to the club, bears.

School officials at a pre-school in Nebraska want a 3 year-old deaf boy to stop signing his name because the gesture resembles a gun. But Nebraska’s a red state, so he’s allowed to bring a real gun to school.

A Colorado man, who has been working for 63 years, was named by Guinness Records as the longest serving flight attendant ever. If he makes it to 65 years, he’ll be charged a retirement fee.

It was announced that Olympic Gymnast Aly Raisman will be inducted into the National Jewish Sports Hall of Fame. She’ll join Sandy Koufax of the LA Dodgers and Rudi Stein of the Bad News Bears.

The Egg McMuffin just turned 40. Not the product line, but the one you’re actually eating.

Monologue Jokes – Chris Christie, Bill Clinton, Barack Obama

A tornado hit New York City today and the natural disaster brought out the best in New Yorkers. The rats gave piggyback rides to displaced cockroaches.

The ratings are in and Bill Clinton’s speech tied with an episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Viewers were torn – on one channel, they could watch an attention-seeking, junk-food-eating redneck charm the pants off them, and on the other channel they could watch Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

Scarlett Johansson, Kerry Washington and Eva Longoria all spoke at the Democratic National Convention this week. Then afterward, Bill Clinton tried to show them his stimulus package.

 

Monologue Jokes – McDonald’s, Mitt Romney

McDonald’s plans to open vegetarian-only restaurants in India. So get ready for Saag McMuffins!

Hillary Clinton is skipping the convention and giving Barack Obama the cold shoulder. Bill Clinton told Obama, “now you know how I feel.”

A new Rasmussen poll says that after a convention bounce, Mitt Romney leads Obama by around 4% . However Mitt Romney stated that he’s only comfortable being around the 1%.

According to a study, Mitt Romney ranks in the 99thpercentile on handsomeness. It’s the only time he has been called part of the 99 percent.

A spokesman for Mitt Romney’s campaign said they are “taking the high ground” in the presidential campaign. Which means they’ll all be strapped to the top of Romney’s campaign bus.

Monologue Jokes – Facebook, Chris Christie

Paul Ryan’s daily routine includes the P90X workout. Not to be outdone, Chris Christie started a daily workout, the P90Twix.

Chris Christie will keynote the Republican National Convention. He’ll speak on how to create a larger economic pie, and then eat it.

President Obama said his friendship with George Clooney was born in Sudan. Just like he was.

Facebook stock continues to decline. It’s lost half of its market value, or 1.2 billion pokes.

Experts say it could drop even lower if investors would log off Facebook long enough to sell their stock.

California medical marijuana dispensaries are selling a strain of pot called “Usain Bolt.” The high lasts 9 seconds.

Monologue Jokes – Curiosity, Olympics, Elton and Madonna

NASA called Curiosity’s Mars landing, “7 minutes of terror”, which coincidentally is the name of the Octomom’s new porn video.

Olympic officials disqualified a race walker for doping. You know there’s really nothing sadder than seeing a peak performance athlete stripped of their fanny pack.

Elton John has declared Madonna’s career is over, calling her a fairground stripper. It’s really sad when an aging Material Girl no longer wants to be friends with Madonna.

 

Monologue Jokes – Curiosity, Best Buy, Mitt Romney

Usain Bolt set an Olympic record by winning the 100 meter dash. His time was 6 hours and 9.63 seconds – if you count the NBC tape delay.

Best Buy’s founder Richard Schulze has offered to buy the company for $8.84 billion dollars. Man is he going to get a really long receipt.

Mitt Romney went on a grocery run yesterday. He bought some swiss cheese to pair with his bank account.

Monologue Jokes – Olympics, Mitt Romney, Obama Bday

It’s hard to believe but MTV just turned 31 years old. It will now go by the name VH1.

Porn star Jenna Jameson endorsed Mitt Romney for president. It makes perfect sense, they’ve both earned their money screwing people.

Stevie Wonder has filed for divorce.  He said in a statement, “signed, sealed and delivered, I’m divorced!

It was just Swiss National Day. Mitt Romney celebrated by visiting his bank account.

Right now China is leading the US in the medal count. But Team USA hopes to win by doing what we do best – borrowing gold from China.

Michael Phelps has won more Olympic medals than any athlete in history. He’s made America proud of our swim program, and our 12,000 calorie diet.

8 female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. I haven’t seen that many female athletes avoid the cock since the Dinah Shore Invitational.

Monologue Jokes – Yahoo, Dalai Lama

Spirit Air will charge passengers $2 to print their boarding pass at the airport kiosk. Not to be outdone, Southwest announced, “you will now be charged move about the cabin.”

Facebook and Yahoo ended their patent dispute and formed a partnership. Facebook will give Yahoo better ad placement, while Yahoo will send Facebook a wire transfer from Nigeria.

A judge ruled that NY deli’s “heart attack sandwich” can stay on the menu. Or as it’s known by its celebrity name, “The Cheney.” 

Happy Birthday to the Dalai Lama! He just turned infinity.

Monologue Jokes – Romney, Apple

The US added 80,000 jobs in June. When the Chinese heard this they were like, “oh, their job numbers are so cute when they’re little.”

Apple fixed a glitch that led to crashing apps. Unfortunately for Apple, that means switching to a Droid.

Mitt Romney raised $100 million in June. He did it by emptying out his winter coat pockets.

A man in the UK has been accused of hacking into the PBS website. Or as PBS calls it, the e-totebag. 

Apparently the electricity in the entire city of Los Angeles is out. It’s now being powered by a backup generator: